For years, my body was my instrument of sheer strength.
I was a D1 Track & Field Athlete, ran two marathons (the first being on the Great Wall of China). During a 6-year stint living in Japan, I accidentally found myself as a member of a new Crossfit gym (I had no idea what I was getting myself into!).
My body knows what grit, resilience, and capability can feel like within demanding circumstances. But then trauma settled into my nervous system and my relationship to movement changed.
Now I teach the space in between
From strong to broken
I experienced a fatality in the field
By no means do I feel inclined to share the details or be in the spotlight about the worst day of my life however I do share openly my experience of compounded grief in a blog I wrote called, “The Weight We Carry”. I wrote it for others to feel solidarity with someone who has also gone through it grief, depression and PTSD.
What I am willing to tell you is this: something broke open in me that I wasn't prepared for. The strong, capable person who could lead others within through the deep backcountry didn't know how to lead herself through grief.
What followed was being diagnosed with PTSD, major-depression disorder. In addition to a disconnection from myself and my body so deep that words cannot accurately describe. I could go through the motions. I couldn't feel any of it other than the dullness, the void in my heart and rattling of my nervous system in hypervigilance. I isolated for two years and got rid of majority of my outdoor gear.
THEN PILATES AND YOGA SHOWED ME RESILIENCE, STRENGTH AND CAPACITY
When I found Pilates, I was already back in my body — yoga had done that. But I wasn't sure what my body could do anymore. I wasn't sure I trusted it to be strong again.
And then — from 2-pound and 3-pound weights — I became the most physically ripped I have ever been in my life.
Not from heavy lifting. Not from hours in the gym. From precision. From slowing down and going deep. From learning that connection creates more strength than force ever could.
That was the last piece. The proof that everything I'd been teaching was true — in muscle and bone, not just breath and feeling.
Ketamine-ASSISTED Therapy Changed EVERYTHING FOR ME. And MOVEMENT Followed the Thread
I had four sessions of EMDR which helped with the relentless daily cries of grief, but something deep within my nervous system still needed something else. I became aware of the ruminations in my mind and the constant loop that was not disipating.
Through MindBloom, I began ketamine-assisted therapy. I share this because I know how many people have been helped by modalities that don't get talked about in yoga spaces — and how much it would have meant to me to hear someone say it out loud.
Ketamine-assisted therapy gave me access to parts of myself I couldn't reach through willpower alone. From there, yoga and pilates did something it never had before. I wasn't moving to just feel strong. I was moving to come home.
My Teaching Changed Completely
Once I started to tap into the depth of what I was feeling and how this translated to others feeling what I was able to give. Yoga brought me back to my body. Pilates showed me the strength I wanted to feel in my body and this translated to an empathetic flow to hold the space in acknowledging we all suffer and through movement we can cultivate mental resilience.
WHAT I BELIEVE
STRENGTH AND SOFTNESS ARE NOT OPPOSITES
The balance of strength and softness, the flow of yoga that can lead you into a flow state to the burn and mental resilience of holding a yoga pose longer than the mind might enjoy is something I deeply love but depending on the day and where my body is at, I’m not always there to push, push, push.
Honoring the self-awareness of moments where pushing to feel the burn vs choosing to modifying of softness the practice is the embodied strength mentally, physically and emotionally I am believe I am here to share with the world.
THE SHELL OF the PHYSIQUE
I often feel misunderstood about my devotion to movement as I explore what my body can achieve and the depth of mental and emotional benefits through movement ten-fold over what it looks like.
TIME IS OUR BIGGEST ASSET
In this one wild and precious life, what do I want to do and achieve? I want to be able to spend time with my best friends and family, continue to explore the world, move my body and get as many dog kisses as possible.
IMPERMANENCE
I fully honor and accept that bodies will change. People will change. Suffering will ebb and flow.